“Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child’s loss of a doll and a king’s loss of a crown are events of the same size.”
I will begin this month’s post by sending my condolences to all of the families and individuals that have lost a friend or loved one during this unprecedented season. With the state of our world in this time, the difficult process of grieving has also changed.
Why is grieving so difficult? I believe part of this reason stems from our toxic mentality that sees grief as a sign of weakness. After the funeral, we must continue life as was. If we cannot, there must be something wrong with us. The truth is death makes people feel uncomfortable, rather than an important, inevitable part of our existence. Psychotherapist, Margaret Howard states, “This comes partly from our Puritan roots, which value stoicism, and that we adhere to unconsciously. The cultural message is: It's weird to mourn. That cultural message is unhealthy and unnatural.”
By avoiding the uncomfortable feelings of death and pain we form unrealistic attachments to our ideas of happiness. Howard goes on to say, “Grief does not look positive, but to be repulsed by death is to be repulsed by life itself. Persistent turning away from pain and death, from suffering and difficulty, will eventually cause illness and loss of one's capacity for true compassion. Embracing death and the grieving of death is a necessary aspect of our present evolution of consciousness.”
Recently I lost someone close to my heart, my grandfather Arturo Sanchez. This weekend I will be delivering a short eulogy on a man that meant so much to me and my family. Without my grandfather I wouldn’t be the man that I am. Those close to my grandfather were fortunate to see him to his 92nd birthday, which is an amazing feat in itself. So in honor of my grandfather, and as part of my grieving process, I am going to share some of his traits and the legacy he handed down to me and my family. I have also included some other ways that we can navigate the difficult process of grieving the loss of life through honor. Here’s some thoughts my family recently shared about my grandfather’s legacy.
My grandfather’s work ethic was incredible. My grandfather was forced to drop out of school, and began helping support his family at the age of 9. He never stopped working. My grandfather always said, “when I stop moving/working, I will die.”
My grandfather had an amazing sense of humor. He was always laughing and joking. In his final week, I spoke to my grandfather over the phone but could hardly understand him, however, after most sentences he was still laughing. He never lost his ability to find true joy.
My grandfather gave. He was always willing to help people, and many times would stop to buy a burger or give money to people in need, especially family. Although we weren’t rich, I always knew I was “spoiled” by my grandparents.
My grandfather knew how to manage his mental health. He always said, “it does you no good to worry.” Not that he didn’t have stress, however, my grandfather figured out the power of resilience and perseverance throughout his life hardships. To me, he was a genius when it came to informal or non-formal education.
My grandfather accepted all people. He always told me, it doesn’t matter what color you are, you have to treat all people the same. He further proved this acceptance by showing unconditional love to my brother after coming out being gay, and showed the same love and support to his husband Shawn. One of my brother’s greatest fears was the reaction from my grandparents. I am emotional just thinking about what this meant to my brother and our family.
Lastly, my grandfather loved deeply, and understood the importance that love has on a person’s well being. My older brother said, “his love kept me from going down certain paths.” I can attest, my grandparents example of love kept me motivated at difficult times in my life. I wanted to succeed because of them. My grandparents and my parents afforded me through their love and sacrifice the opportunities they didn’t have.
Grieving the loss of a friend or family member is never going to be easy, especially in tragic situations. One way of navigating the process of grief is through honor and remembrance. Below is a list of my favorite suggestions by Legacy Facilitator and Funeral Celebrant, Jasmine Tanguay. A full explanation and other ideas can be found in her article here .
1. Keep something of theirs with you
2. Frame something they've written, like a poem or a recipe
3. Live a life of worthiness
4. Save them a seat
5. Complete what they can’t
6. Make a scrapbook of their life
7. Connect to what they cared about
8. Hold a service, celebration of life ceremony, or vigil
9. Keep their unique style intact
10. Let them inspire you
11. Get permanently inked
If you or a loved one is struggling in this difficult process of grieving, please reach out to someone that can walk with you through the challenging emotions, and help to facilitate healing from the pain of loss.
Rest in Peace Grandfather….I’ll see you again!
“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.”